Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Prone To Wander...and Wonder

The past few days have been a challenge. The past few weeks have been a challenge. The past few months have been a challenge.

But I've loved almost every minute of it.

I've especially loved the minutes that I remember that I have a Heavenly Father who cares enough about me to provide for my every need. My need to be loved, my need to be encouraged, my need to be held and whispered to....all of them! And man, does this move me to tears.

Because honestly, I'm really not a good Christian. I have a tendency to wander and wonder. I wander away from the God that I so dearly love and I know so dearly loves me. I wander into the arms of earthly things or people, looking to them to fulfill my every need. But they cannot- they are earthly beings, fallen children just like I am.

I wonder at what God is up to. There are many moments that I get frustrated because I can't see the big picture. There are moments that I just want to hurry up and graduate college and start teaching and get married and live in Africa and have a family and live happily ever after. And there are moments that I wonder on a more short term basis....I am not patient, and when I see that God is taking His sweet time unfolding something for me, I like to hurry it along. But usually that winds up in something going wrong.

So I'm learning. I'm learning to trust, and allow Dad to love on me and take me into the desert place and speak tenderly to me, like Scripture says in Hosea. It's hard sometimes because God isn't always tangible. I am really affectionate. That's my receiving love language. I love hugs and kisses and hand holding and snuggling. But since the Lord isn't here physically, I can't always feel Him hugging me or holding my hand or dancing with me through fields of wildflowers.

But I know He is.

When the sun shines on my face, or the wind blows my hair, I can't help but think, "I bet Dad's thinking how beautiful I am right now. Look at how my hair sparkles in the sunshine, or how it dances in the wind. He is so enthralled by my beauty!" And this makes me so excited.

Then there are those moments where I am enthralled by HIS beauty. The fog lifting from the mountains in Chattanooga, or the stars here in Franklin the other night, or those precious little chocolate-colored faces that swim into my night time dreams and my day time dreams quite frequently...they all captivate me because they are such a perfect picture of God's love and His beauty.

A very important person has recently stepped out of my life, and I've been really having to rely on Dad to carry me lately. There are moments when I feel physical pain due to this loss. There are moments when I can't help but to break down and cry. There are moments when I ask God "Why?" and there are moments when I want to undo everything that happened. But I was reading on Katie Davis' blog the other day about how when someone steps out of our life, and we feel that pain and heartache, that MUST be how Christ feels when we lose sight of Him. It says in Scripture that when the Shepherd loses just one sheep out of 100, He goes looking for it. Sometimes I am that sheep. Most of the time, I'm embarrassed at the place He finds me in. Not literally, but heart-wise. Sometimes other things have taken over His throne, and I am ashamed. But He lifts my head with His hand, looks into my eyes, picks me up, and carries me Home.

I am the Prodigal Daughter. I am the Lost Sheep. But most importantly, I am a Daughter, a Warrior, an Heir, and a Princess. I am His, and He is mine.